Humorous Quotes from American History

Looking for a good laugh? Do you like American history? Humorous quotes from American history will provide some comic relief in your day, and maybe a chuckle or two! Funny quotes or sayings come from all periods in American history. Funny quotes about life, witty quotes about politics, Mark Twain quotes - find these and more here!

America has some of the funniest people in the world. Funny quotes about life and politics abound in American history... probably has something to do with that "freedom of speech" thing...

Humor quotes can be found everywhere in the history of America. Will Rogers, Groucho Marx, George Carlin, Mark Twain quotes...

Even our politicians provide us with humorous quotes...

"The Internet is a gateway to get on the net." - Bob Dole

If you have a favorite humorous quote from American history, please share it with our visitors! You can use the form at the bottom of this page to submit your humorous quotes for publication on this website.

Below you will find some great humorous quotes from American history.  

Funny Quotes - Humorous Quotes

"I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them." - Mae West

"Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There's nothing to do but to stand there and take it." - President Lyndon B. Johnson

"Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't goin' away." - Elvis Presley

"Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?" - Will Rogers

"Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive." - Mel Brooks

American Authors of the 19th Century - Mark Twain

"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way."- Mark Twain

"People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide." - Will Rogers

"The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other." Johnny Carson

"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other." - Erma Bombeck

"He who hesitates is a damned fool." - Mae West

"How can a society that exists on instant mashed potatoes, packaged cake mixes, frozen dinners, and instant cameras teach patience to its young?" - Paul Sweeney

"Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff." - Will Rogers

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." - Lily Tomlin

"The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other." - Will Rogers

"You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars." - Charles Kuralt

"You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it." - Art Buchwald

"Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke." - Will Rogers

"Worrying is like paying on a debt that may never come due." - Will Rogers

"I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it." - Charles M. Schulz

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - Gilda Radner

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running." - Groucho Marx

"Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties." - Doug Larson

"If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress." - Will Rogers

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice." - Bill Cosby

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" - George W. Bush

"Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been."- Mark Twain

"I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming." - Jimmy Carter

"A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth." - Patrick Murray

"A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats." - Benjamin Franklin

"Politics is supposed be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first." - Ronald Reagan

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin

"I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people." - Rodney Dangerfield

"The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others." - Doug Larson

"A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation."- Mark Twain

"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap." - Rodney Dangerfield

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years." - Mark Twain

"When ignorance gets started it knows no bounds." - Will Rogers

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members" - Groucho Marx

"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment." - George Carlin

"It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you." - Will Rogers

"Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often."Mark Twain

"The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep." - Clinton aide George Stephanopolous

"By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it." - George Burns

"Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it." - Will Rogers

"The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools." - Doug Larson

"George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country" - George Carlin

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."- Mark Twain

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, Former NYC Mayor

"Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks." - Doug Larson

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts." - Will Rogers

How about some humorous quotes apps for your iphone, smartphone or iPad? I found a few that you might like on iTunes...

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